May
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Active Listening Skills

Learn about the Skill of Active Listening

Active listening is an essential skill for all forms of communication. Listening is not just the absence of speaking. Listening is an activity, which requires our full participation. We engage in active listening to fully understand what a person is trying to communicate.

3 Parts of Active Listening

There are three parts to being effective at the skill of Active Listening. We ask questions to clarify what was meant by the person we are listening to. We paraphrase to ensure that we have heard them correctly – that what we heard was what was said. We offer feedback on what we heard.

 Throughout the process of Active listening there may be some to-ing and fro-ing with the conversation as both participants endeavor to achieve understanding.

 1) Clarifying in Active Listening

Clarifying is an important skill in Active Listening.  This is asking questions to learn more about what is being communicated. We may have to ask for more information about the background, the history or the circumstances of a situation. ‘How many… When was… ‘. Clarifying can help us to hone our listening expertise in order to hear details, thoughts and feelings. ‘What did you think…? ‘How did you feel?’ In asking for clarification we let the other person know that we are interested and are willing to work at understanding them.

2) Paraphrasing in Active Listening

Paraphrasing has become something of a buzzword in listening skills training. It is used a lot, and yet, it is not always fully understood, yet it is an essential part of active listening. To paraphrase means to say in our own words what we think someone has just said. It means repeating back in a succinct manner. It can be useful in keeping our focus on attempting to understand what the other person means, rather than mind reading, assuming judging, placating or any other of the blocks to listening, especially that of rehearsing our response. 

 Responding to 'I am fed up with having to work late?' with ‘Then you shouldn’t be so inefficient’ is likely to lead to an argument or sullenness. By paraphrasing with a statement 'you resent how often you are asked to work late’ may lead to a discussion on how to improve efficiency.

 Paraphrasing helps us to remember what was said. It can prevent miscommunication and misinterpretation and has the potential to calm crisis situations and stop anger from escalating.

We can paraphrase each time we are unclear about what has been said or whenever someone says something of importance.

Paraphrasing can begin by the use of some version of the following: ‘I hear you say… let me see if I understand… what I hear happened was… It seems that you thought... Am I right in thinking…? It sounds as though…’

Paraphrasing is supportive in many ways to the person to whom we are listening. They have an opportunity to hear themselves speak- as it were. They hear how their communication has been received and whether or not it has been heard correctly. They hear when they have been vague, when they have missed out some details and when they have omitted important information. They may learn that the way in which they provide information is confusing or misleading. Most importantly, they feel heard.

Paraphrasing in active listening practice needs to be handled with care. In using our own words to convey what we heard, we need to be aware of the danger of leading the conversation in a direction that was not intended by the person speaking to us. We need to avoid placing our assumptions in the paraphrase or including our interpretation of their feelings. Particularly if we identify with how we believe that person must have felt at the time.

We need to be especially careful when paraphrasing to vulnerable people. Children, anxious or frightened people may allow themselves to be led away from what they intended to say by the paraphrasing of someone who they feel to be clever and experienced or who has authority over them.  They may not be able, or feel sufficiently confidant, to correct assumptions.

We need to be cautious when saying, ‘in other words... What you mean is…’ Instead, we could as clarifying questions, ‘Do you mean...? How did you feel when…’

3) Giving Feedback in Active Listening

Once we have listened to what was said, clarified and paraphrased to ensure our understanding of it, we can talk about our reactions. This is an important part of active listening skills. In a non-judgmental way, we can share our thoughts and feelings or what we sensed about what we heard. 

 We offer feedback to check out our perceptions: Our grasp of the situation; the conclusions we have reached; the feelings we believe have been expressed or hidden or denied; any mismatch we have noticed between what the person said and their body language or their tone of voice.

 In checking our perceptions we can put what we saw and heard into a cautious description. ‘It seems as though…  Or we can make an enquiry 'Hearing what you said, I wonder if…? …Is this really what's happening?’ In checking out emotions we can ask ‘Is this the way you feel?'  All this is said in a tone of supportive enquiry, without judgment, and with the desire only to see if our perceptions are correct.

 Supportive feedback in active listening practice provides further opportunity to correct errors and misconceptions. It can also help people to comprehend the effect of their communication and to gain the value of another person’s viewpoint

 For feedback to be effective it is essential that is immediate, honest and supportive.

 To be most effective at active listening, we should offer feedback as soon as we understand what was said, after paraphrasing and clarifying, and while memories are fresh and perceptions are clear. Putting our feedback off, even for a short time, can make it much less succinct and valuable.

 Honest feedback means giving our genuine reactions and not fudging or placating. This does not mean making accusations ‘You never talk about your feelings.’ What we may think of as being brutally honest: ‘I don’t think you have any feelings at all!’ Is just being brutal. ‘I am concerned that I have not heard you say anything about how you feel.’ is honest feedback that can be heard without causing damage or the need to defend. 

 Supportive feedback can gently offer opportunities for further dialogue or more exploration. Harsh responses such as  'You're hiding something from me.’ 'You have been so stupid', are not supportive and may result in arguments or a shut down of communication.

 'I have the feeling that there is something you are not telling me' 'I think that you might be mistaken.’ are pieces of supportive feedback that could help to keep the dialogue alive and deepening.

 It would be a mistake to imagine that in grasping the principles of active listening we immediately become expert listeners. Although active listening plays a vital role in the listening process, there is so much more involved in this fascinating subject.

 In becoming accomplished listeners we need to deepen our understanding of the conscious and unconscious choices we make about listening in a variety of situations. We must become conscious of the potential damage to individuals and society of poor and inadequate listening skills. We can identify and overcome the many things that get in the way of effective listening. We learn how to be constructive in our listening practice to become more effective at communicating; to deeper our relationships, to guide and support our children, to increase our efficiency and to save others and ourselves time, money and unnecessary effort.

 Even though there is so much more to learn, the elements of active listening are essential tools in our listening skills toolkit and are vital as part for good communication skills.

 Recommended reading about Listening Skills

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